Buy The Right Swimsuit
Every year, it happens. You look up from Easter and what do you know? Bikini time again. The most challenging weeks of your life are looming on the sun-kissed horizon, and you’ve just spent the last fortnight waist-deep in chocolate buttons. In your mind’s eye, you’re Ursula Andress emerging from the surf. You’re Halle Berry in Die Another Day. You’re Brigitte Bardot at Club 55. In reality, you’re deluded, and you need all the help you can get, and fast. So, to all ye about to set sail for the shops to find that rare treasure, the bikini which will turn you into Scarlett Johansson with one ping of a Lycra-rich waistband … Well, here’s the skinny, my friends.
*There are classics in this game, and no one should leave home during a hot spell without the reliable armour of a well-cut black one-piece. Stifle those yawns. Like the little black dress, this is the very backbone of a successful wardrobe, and without it, you’ll merely wobble along on the very periphery of beach chic. If black feels dull, turn to your accessories to make the splash you want:
a giant bag in a floral print, a pair of spangly flip-flops, even big wooden beads (not to be worn as you dive in the deep end or you’ll knock yourself out).
* If you want your bikini to work, rather than simply take it easy on a lounger, you need to look for the following:
Underwiring, which will stop your breasts heading down Mexico way. A top with clip fastenings, not ties: these will give you added stability and eliminate the exhausted flop of so many bad bikinis.
A tie-side bottom, though, is forgiving and won’t bite into your rump like a wide-side tends to.
High-leg pants will elongate a leg, but also demand exhibition class depilation.
When entering the sea, do try not to fiddle with your bikini. You look fine, really. Pulling fabric from between your cheeks won’t improve matters one iota and may serve to make things worse.
*Better yet, buy a Miracle Suit. Having spent most of my life – or at least the beach-bound portion of it – wearing natty little bikinis in Aegean-blue, I recently discovered that I need a little helping hand if I am to look even the same species as a Kelly Brook or a Helen Mirren (a woman twenty years my senior who makes me want to bay at the moon in jealous anguish). Still, as Helen herself knows, at a certain age we all require a push here, a pick-up there. A bit of illusion. And this, dear reader, is where the Miracle Suit comes in. Tag line: “Ten pounds lighter in ten seconds!” Way to go! The cut has a hint of the fifties about it, with a substantial bottom, an elegant swathe at the decolletage, and a tremendous capacity to contain, thanks to a fabric with several times the tensile strength of Lycra. As a result, it makes you walk like a screen goddess and look like a babe. Dynamite. All this comes at a cost (around £100, though less expensive versions are increasingly available). There’s also the vaguely unsettling sense that you’ve waltzed back in time to an era when women weretied to the stove and bound by their formidable underwear.
Still, what price beach pride, eh?
*” Of course you could always rest easy in the comforting embrace of a beach kaftan. It may not be the very pinnacle of cool, but there’s no shame in it; this is easily one of the best fashion inventions of recent times, marrying as it does a nonchalant ethnicity with an unfussy chic. More to the point, it covers an entire catechism of sins and allows the wearer to feel, just for this short time, that they live on the same planet as Elizabeth Hurley. Bliss – not to mention a bonus for anyone who happens to be sitting behind you as you dive for the Frisbee on the soft white sand.
About the Author
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GUESS Jeans – Spring / Summer 2011 Campaign
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